Welcome to one of the most useless lists of all time.

Who in the world thinks of this kind of thing? While scrolling through Tik Tok, as one does, I came across a video of a woman describing NFL quarterbacks and their zodiac signs. In that video, she described the Libra group as empathetic and caring.

“If you cry in front of them they’re going to care” she says. At the same time I’m staring at Trevor Lawrence’s face, thinking he would not care if I cried in front of him. The idea was born soon after that.

How would NFL quarterbacks react if somebody cried in front of them? 

These men know what it’s like to go through hard times and have shed a few tears. But would they offer empathy to others? All 32 starting quarterbacks will be analyzed and sorted based on what I know about them (for some of them, it’s not a lot) into four reaction categories. These are, admittedly, extreme speculations, so take them with a grain of salt and enjoy (or not). 

There are some special appearances from non-starting QBs because it would be an injustice not to sort them here.


The Criers 

The men in this group are sensitive, and the empath in them would open the flood gates. 

Most of the quarterbacks are in this group simply based off of looks. There are many people with faces that look like they would burst into tears easily. These quarterbacks have these faces, and some of them have the personality to back it up. 

Matt Stafford and Dak Prescott would cry simply because you’re crying. Baker Mayfield and Kirk Cousins seem extra whiny to me, and they would cry because they made your pain about themselves. CJ Stroud and Kyler Murray just have those baby faces that make me think they empathize easily.

Gardner Minshew is the goofball and has branded himself as such, but I think he’s a big softie. If a stranger or acquaintance walked up to him crying, he might cry too. That’s my theory. I don’t know much about Jake Browning, but he looks like a nice enough guy to cry if you were crying. 

Joe Flacco would probably cry because he’s been in the league too long and he gives off major dad vibes. 

The Comforters

The men in this group are emotionally mature enough to provide you with a hug, lend an ear to listen, or offer some advice. 

Russell Wilson and Jimmy Garoppolo both seem like they would go in the Criers category, but to me they fit better in this group. I think a lot of people like to clown Wilson, but he seems secure in his own skin and in his relationship, despite the internet trolls. Garoppolo has that “I’ll cry if you cry” face, but I actually wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t really let people see him cry. Still, I think both would do a good job of comforting you if you were to cry in front of them. I almost put Patrick Mahomes in the Begrudging Comforters category because I was thinking of his brother’s antics. Mahomes is not his brother though, and he has a good case for Comforter-ship. Josh Dobbs has been through a lot and knows struggle, so I think he would be one of the better quarterbacks to cry in front of.

Tua Tagovailoa, Geno Smith, and Lamar Jackson also seem like they have a good head on their shoulders (this is not a concussion joke) and would not hesitate to provide some comfort to someone crying in front of them. It’s pretty obvious why Jordan Love is in here. His last name, duh, and because I’ve yet to see something that would put him in another category. Same for Bailey Zappe. I know barely anything about him, but he simply looks like a nice guy. 

The Begrudging Comforters

This group of quarterbacks would prefer not to interact with someone who is crying, but either their conscience or other factors would have them give you a pat on the head and say, “there, there.”

Brock Purdy might be in this category because his first name is very burly sounding. When people hear “Brock,” they think of a big burly guy that thinks emotions are weak. While Purdy doesn’t fit that movie stereotype just by looking at him, he does remind me of the stereotypical boys in high school that looked nice enough, but were actually jerks. The rest of the guys in this category fit that presumption.

Jalen Hurts, Joe Burrow, Justin Herbert, Will Levis and Kenny Pickett all wouldn’t really understand why you’re crying, but would comfort you to keep up their image and nice guy status. Based on the little I know about him, Tommy DeVito seems the same way. However, he is Italian. He’s a mama’s boy who had Italian-American values instilled in him. He would find your tears annoying, but everything his mama taught him would override his annoyance.

Bryce Young and Desmond Ridder are on this list for a different reason. They’re focusing on their quarterback careers and trying to prove they are QB1’s on losing franchises. Another person becoming emotional about the nonsense that brings mere mortals to tears is miniscule compared to their own anxieties. Plus Bryce Young doesn’t have time to worry about what others are crying about when the Panthers are 1-12. Yet I feel that they’d both still try their best to sympathize despite being caught up in their own issues.

Justin Fields, based off of his press conferences, looks indifferent to any emotion whatsoever. He too would begrudgingly care and then hustle back to the locker room because he too has bigger problems to worry about. 

The Walkaways

These quarterbacks would be annoyed or resentful toward someone crying in front of them and would not offer any support. 

This category was almost too easy. Many of the QBs featured in this category have this look about them that screams “I would not care if you cried” to me. Trevor Lawrence may be an empathetic Libra, but I don’t see it. I want to believe he is, but his outwardly “pretty boy” jock appearance makes me skeptical. 

The behavior I’ve seen from Zach Wilson and Mac Jones cements their position in this category. Throwing tantrums, deflecting blame and taking cheap shots are not evidence of someone who would care if you cried. Aaron Rodgers’ personality absolutely puts him in this category as well. I don’t know if I even have to explain myself on this one. I think most people will get it. 

Derek Carr, Josh Allen, Jared Goff, and Sam Howell all give me the same vibes. They almost creep me out if I look at their pictures for too long. They’re the nice, subdued guys that are actually mean, ya know? They look nice enough to blend in without ruffling feathers, but you definitely feel off about them. 

From time to time, it’s interesting to look at athletes from different angles (even speculative ones). Athletes can become funneled into just being athletes, but the varying personalities make the league interesting and fun. Thank you for taking the time to indulge in my preconceived notions of the NFL quarterbacks. I may never know how any of these athletes would react to someone crying in front of them, but it was fun to try and guess.

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