If America runs on Dunkin’ voluntarily, Boston is legally required to run on it.
With a Dunkin’ location for every 6,565 people, it’s safe to say that Bostonians are well-caffeinated, which might be why they are some of the most passionate sports fans. The only thing they may love more than their daily coffee is the Sox. Let’s compare fan-favorite players to fan-favorite items on the menu, as The Boy Who Loved Joe Kelly and The Girl Who Loved Rob Refsnyder see who the true DunKings really are.
Connor Wong – The Short King
The Girl Who Loved Rob Refsnyder: In this household, Short Kings are just that – Kings. Royalty. And we are Connor Wong stans. Truth be told, the next sentence was going to be something to the effect of “Standing at a whopping [insert roughly 5’9” here]…,” but I just looked it up and am shocked to report that he’s 6’1”! I’m not changing my pick for him because he looks so smol and baby next to the other guys on the team, and sometimes being a Short King is less about height and more about the energy you give off.
Brayan Bello – Sprinkled Donut
The Boy Who Loved Joe Kelly: The sprinkle-covered donut always looks good. Then, once it’s over, you don’t actually feel anything. Empty inside. Void of nourishment. That’s what it’s like watching Brayan Bello. He’s been totally serviceable (4.24 ERA in 2023), but I’ve been led to believe that he is the next Pedro Martinez. That hasn’t happened yet, and I’m getting impatient. Last year on the Bleacher Brawls podcast, I blamed Bello for the team’s pitching struggles and the other guys looked at me like I had three heads. I’m sorry (I’m not), but a 107 ERA+ is the same thing as a cheap, sugary donut. Nothingness.
Rafael Devers – Large Iced Coffee with Almond Milk and Caramel
The Boy: On the flip-side, Rafael Devers is the whole package. If you are wondering what the best Dunkin’ order is, it’s a large iced coffee with almond milk and three pumps of caramel. The app automatically adds four pumps, but that’s just a little too much. This is the order I place every Monday, Wednesday, and occasional Saturday to keep my status as a Boosted Member. Anyway, Raffy is awesome.
Triston Casas – Strawberry Dragonfruit Refresher
The Girl: When Casas came up with a debut season to remember (ignoring the first two months, that is), Sox fans everywhere breathed a sigh of relief. He was a refreshing, new long-term addition to a team riddled with expiring contracts and impending departures. While a lot of drinks on the Dunkin’ menu are refreshing, I chose this Refresher to represent his vibrancy. His nails aren’t the only vivid thing about him – he brought some life and color to a team that was looking pale. He’s young and excited, so he doesn’t need to be fueled with coffee all the time. This drink will do the trick.
Rob Refsnyder – Hazelnut Heartthrob
The Girl: As The Girl Who Loved Rob Refsnyder, I believe that there is no one more worthy of the Hazelnut Heartthrob crown. Let’s get the obvious out of the way, shall we? He’s HOT! He’s great EYE CANDY! He’s A HEARTTHROB! Now that that’s out of the way, I love him not only for his dashing looks, but the fact that he steals my heart every time he approaches the plate. The definition of an off-the-bench platoon guy, he’s the kind of pinch hitter that can be the turning point of a game, bringing back to life the hopes and dreams they thought were dead. No one cheers harder than I do when I hear those words like honey, “Now hitting for the first baseman Bobby Dalbec, Rob Refsnyder.”
Nick Pivetta – Bottled Water
The Boy: Regular readers of this website may remember that The Girl Who Loved Rob Refsnyder was known as The Girl Who Loved Nick Pivetta back in 2022. That was before he lost her favor. Anyway, we were watching Nick warmup at Camden Yards one day as The Girl proclaimed her love for him to the Sox fan next to us. He replied, in the thickest of Boston accents, with a phrase I will never forget: “Oh yeah, he’s a tawl drink of watta, that Pivetta.” This is in honor of that guy. I hope he’s doing well.
Jarren Duran – DunKings Munchkins Skewer
The Girl: Despite this DunKings menu choice for Duran, I don’t find him to be a king at all. In fact, I don’t really like him. He looks like he hails from Pandora, and his hot-and-cold season of 2022 gave me the ick for life. This skewer is more representative of his physical appearance. It’s giving muscles. It’s giving barbell. It’s giving flamboyance. It’s just giving Duran.
Kenley Jansen – Coolatta
The Girl: Few pitchers are as cool, calm, and collected as Kenley, making him the human embodiment of a Coolatta. He’s ice-cold when he approaches the mound, and it pays off. Last season, he got the Sox 29 saves (granted, this number is only significant when you consider that there weren’t many games to save…), and a whole “latta” strikeouts – 10.5 per 9 innings, to be exact. When you start to sweat not because of the heat but because of team performance over the recent years, you can look forward to Jansen bringing a consistently refreshing presence to the game.