Every year, I ask my girlfriend, The Girl Who Loved Kiké Hernandez (who, in past years, has been everything from The Girl Who Loved Nick Pivetta to The Girl Who Loved Darcy Kuemper to The Girl Who Loved Dallas Goedert) to rank the current Red Sox team. I don’t tell her how they should be ranked, though if you know her, you may be able to assume. This year, just like last year, she put them descending into three categories: Hots, Nots, and Mids. They are delineated below.

She was given 39 players to rank: the current 26-man roster, guys on the IL, and minor-leaguers who have seen some playing time this year. 

From this point on, her quotes (of which I am transcribing) are in regular type. My lines are in italics.

Would you like to give any preface? I think there will be some surprises…some falls from grace. This was a really tough year. A lot of these could go any way. 

This is all in good fun. We love all of our boys. Well, most of them.

The Nots:

39. Rafael Devers (last year’s ranking: 36 of 37)

This should be a surprise to no one. 

38. Pablo Reyes (last year’s ranking: n/a)

He looks like Mr. Bean.

37. Brennan Bernardino (last year’s ranking: n/a)

He has a square head and he has square facial hair that accentuates it. It’s like he’s a Minecraft character. There’s potential here, but…you know…square peg, round hole.

36. Zack Kelly (last year’s ranking: n/a)

What is there to say, really?

35. Yu Chang (last year’s ranking: n/a)

He seems sweet. He’s too old for me, (we are 25. He’s 27.)

34. Alex Verdugo (last year’s ranking: 37 of 37)

He moved up only because I saw him in one interview where he doesn’t look disgusting. But to be fair, pictures don’t do him any favors. Seems like a great dad, though. Good for her.

33. Richard Bleier (last year’s ranking: n/a)

It’s the square butt chin for me. He looks like he’s lived a thousand lives.

32. Enmanuel Valdez (last year’s ranking: n/a)

The quickest way to the “Nots” pile is bad facial hair, and that’s why he’s here. But he has a really kind smile.

31. John Schreiber (last year’s ranking: 25 of 37)

If he’s nice enough to me, I could get past his looks. He seems like one of those guys I used to work with at Trader Joe’s. The guys you flirt with because it’s slim pickings. 

30. Justin Turner (last year’s ranking: n/a)

I know this is going to hurt some people, but he’s dad, not daddy – you know what I mean? 

29 .Christian Arroyo (last year’s ranking: 32 of 37)

Those devious brows…it’s like the Doofenshmirtz 3000s.

28. Raimel Tapia (last year’s ranking: n/a)

He has a handsome face, but he’s way too skinny to handle a woman like me. Otherwise, no comment.

27. James Paxton (last year’s ranking: 26 of 37)

You know how your ears keep going until you die? He’s lived a long time. (Last year, she said: Yeah, looks old. She’s nothing if not consistent.)

26. Reese McGuire (last year’s ranking: n/a)

I should’ve put him at the bottom for…

25. Jarren Duran (last year’s ranking: 14 of 37)

He’s the top of the Nots, just like how he’s the best bad player on the team. 

The Mids:

The Mids were…I was racking my brain…

24. Chris Martin (last year’s ranking: n/a)

He’s the definition of mid. Not even…he’s the definition of bottom of mid. Those (ears) get you in the slammer.

23. Joely Rodríguez (last year’s ranking: n/a)

Really kind smile. He seems funny, maybe a good cuddler. He just looks sweet.

22. Triston Casas (last year’s ranking: n/a)

This is gonna keep me up at night. He was the hardest to place. He’s just a little baby.

21. Kutter Crawford (last year’s ranking: 21 of 37)

He was in the same place last year. Yeah? Well, some things never change. 

20. Kenley Jansen (last year’s ranking: n/a)

He looks like Perd Hapley from Parks and Rec. I want him to cuddle me. I love his hair. Nice tight beard. Such a sweet smile. He’s very handsome. 

19. Ryan Sherriff (last year’s ranking: n/a)

Face? 37th. But nice body, nice strong arms…

18. Chris Sale (last year’s ranking: 17 of 37)

He scares me. In an alternate universe, he could be a serial killer. Something about his arms is malicious…and I don’t mean in terms of pitching.

17. Tanner Houck (last year’s ranking: 31 of 37)

His official roster photo is criminal. It makes him look bottom-five. He was seventh from the bottom last year. He looks better than that.

16. Masataka Yoshida (last year’s ranking: n/a)

I wanted him to be higher…

15. Adalberto Mondesi (last year’s ranking: n/a)

I just think he’s pretty handsome.

14. Justin Garza (last year’s ranking: n/a)

He was in the bottom five when I first drafted this list, but he really grew on me. Beautiful skin. Soft eyes. I’m about him. But it could have been a very different fate for him…

13. Connor Wong (last year’s ranking: 11 of 37)

Some Mids are Mids because they’re cute. He’s very cute. Sweet and happy.

12. Bobby Dalbec (last year’s ranking: 4 of 37)

He was #4 last year. I just couldn’t put him any higher. I think people romanticize him too much…

11. Kaleb Ort (last year’s ranking: n/a)

He reminds me of Dax Shepard. I feel like he has potential, like I could give him a makeover.

10. Nick Pivetta (last year’s ranking: 1 of 37)

I want it to be very clear that he’s in the Mids. He has soured me like no other. The red stubble he was rocking? It could sour anyone. And he’s just mean. I used to think I could save him, but I can’t.

9. Garrett Whitlock (last year’s ranking: 8 of 37)

He’s really cute.

8. Brayan Bello (last year’s ranking: n/a)

He would’ve been in the Hots if it was for this (goatee) b*llshit.

The Hots:

Very few Hots. This just isn’t a hot team…

7. Corey Kluber (last year’s ranking: n/a)

I knew this was going to be a shock to most. Flat ass, but still really sexy. I want to put him higher. 

6. Trevor Story (last year’s ranking: 18 of 37)

Huge jump. I used to think he was just a copy of Chris Sale, but then I looked at his Instagram and I was like who’s that? Mr. Gosling? He’s the Big Dawg of my heart.

5. Josh Winckowski (last year’s ranking: n/a)

He is scrumptious. Seeing him warm up in Philly, I was ready to hurdle over the bullpen walls and onto him. I’m a little feral for him. He’s a huge example of how facial hair can kill you, but I love the new mustache.

4. Wyatt Mills (last year’s ranking: n/a)

He is absolutely not my type. I put him for The Girlies. He could be on The Bachelorette. You know? Like he could be one of the 40 guys vying for love. 

3. Rob Refsynder (last year’s ranking: n/a)

I am in love with this man. I want him, I need him, I have to have him. I can say with full certainty that, other than his family and friends, I am his #1 Fan. No contest.

2. Adam Duvall (last year’s ranking: n/a)

He teeters the line from my kind of attractive to conventionally attractive. He’s just a really handsome fella.

1. Kiké Hernandez (last year’s ranking: 9 of 37)

I just think he’s perfect. He is just…(groans)…fine as hell. He’s a dirty dog. He needs to model or something, he shouldn’t be risking this face every night. All I ever want is him. 

Any final thoughts? Not a very attractive team. We had some losses. We lost Xander, Jackie – big loss. J.D. was cute. 

That’s it? I look forward to tearing up the Yankees. 

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