I had the idea to rank the Yankees roster and gained some inspiration from The Boy Who Loved MLB and his girlfriend’s ranking of the Red Sox into Hots, Nots or Mids. I will be ranking the 40-man roster based on anything I feel like.

The criteria will be a culmination of attractiveness, personality, playing ability (of course), cool names and vibes. Don’t think too much about the criteria for the order, and keep in mind I have a dry sense of humor. This list is going to be all over the place. 

20. Ron Marinaccio

Ron Marinaccio is not on this list because of his pitching performance. He mostly gets points from me for being from Toms River, New Jersey, going to the University of Delaware and having a very Italian name. He also gets points for having an unfortunate pitching face. 

19. Josh Donaldson

Josh Donaldson is on here as a pity vote. I like him and I want him to do well. He went to my alma mater and I can’t stand to see him continue to do terribly. I am very shocked to learn how old he is because I did not know this man was almost 40. He also gets points off for his nickname being “Bringer of Rain,” because it sounds pretentious and I think he gave himself that nickname. He gets some points added back because he did go to Auburn. 

18. Clarke Schmidt

I will being using cute a lot in this list, so here’s my first one. Clarke’s a cutie. He evens out at 6 wins and 6 losses with a 4.33 ERA, 1.32 WHIP and 97 strikeouts. He gets extra points for attending the University of South Carolina. 

17. Jake Bauers

Jake Bauers’ looks overpower his performance on the field to make this list. He’s batting .218/.307/.451. He also gets points off for spelling Jakob with a K.

16. Ben Rortvedt

This man is definitely only on this list because he is very attractive and only two years older than me. I’m kidding. He also was essential in bringing a run in while the Yankees were attempting a large comeback against the Mets on Tuesday. Call me, Benjamin. 

15. Domingo Germán

I’d love to put Germán higher because of his historic perfect game, but he’s so on and off that I simply cannot. His nickname is Sunday because of his first name meaning Sunday in Spanish. The nickname gets major points for being cute and creative. 

14. Clay Holmes

Clay Holmes is another force in the bullpen with 2.21 ERA and 1.13 WHIP. He’s a lockdown force for the Yankees pitching staff. I feel like I don’t know much about him, so he’s fairly low on the list.

13. Tommy Kahnle

His name rhymes and his nickname is King Kahn! Now that’s creative. I also see it as one of those names that fits for an athlete because of how recognizable it is. Just say Tommy Kahnle over and over and you’ll get what I’m saying. Beyond his name, Kahnle receives major points for that 2.14 ERA and 1.00 WHIP. 

12. DJ LaMahieu

I wish DJ could be higher because he’s such a cutie, but I feel like he’s not a big contributor to the team while he is batting .231/.307/.372. He gets points for his hilarious nickname, Big Fundy, and I give him half points for attending LSU. Also, again, points for a fantastic name.

11. Wandy Peralta

We are back to placement based on names. How can you not like a guy named Wandy? Okay, I lied, it’s not just about his cool name. Wandy Peralta is a major force in the Yankees bullpen. He has a 2.31 ERA and 1.21 WHIP in 46 games. Imagine getting struck out by a guy named Wandy Peralta. 

10. Anthony Rizzo

I am shocked to learn Anthony Rizzo attended Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. Rizzo spoke at a vigil for the victims of the shooting, and I have a newfound respect for Rizzo that goes beyond baseball. He has also been notoriously battling a slump, so he gets major points for being a Taylor Swift fan and using her song to break out of his slump. Extra points for being Italian. 

9. Giancarlo Stanton

Stanton is batting .200 with 13 home runs as the designated hitter. It’s a pretty underwhelming performance from the DH, but at least he gets points for his nickname “Parmigiancarlo.” 

8. Harrison Bader

I’m mad at Harrison Bader with how poorly he fielded that ball in the Mets game on Tuesday. He gets points for being a New Yorker and good-looking, but those points easily go away if he grows his hair out again. He has a .259 batting average and still underwhelms me in the outfield. I don’t know how to feel about his nickname being listed as “Tots.”

7. Anthony Volpe

Anthony Volpe is an attractive, young player with talent living the Yankee dream. He grew up in New York and New Jersey as a Yankee fan before the team drafted him in the first round of the 2019 MLB draft. He gets extra points for being Italian. Volpe earned his spot on the 2023 team, and he can call me as well. 

6. Gleyber Torres

Gleyber, Gleyber, Gleyber. Another name you will be saying over and over again. Young, attractive and carrying the Yankees offense. He has 16 home runs on the year and is batting .264/.330/.435. 

5. Nestor Cortes

I have a soft spot for Nestor Cortes. I call him “Nasty Nestor,” but MLB says his nickname is Hialeah Kid, which I guess comes from attending high school in Hialeah, Florida. He gets points off for the uncreative nickname and being injured. He does get points for his speed-mixing antics on the mound. 

4. Gerrit Cole

Cole’s pitching earns him the number four spot, which is well-deserved for the ace. Cole also gets points for his “Chef G” nickname and spelling his name differently than others. Something about his vibes are off, and I find it weird that he’s from California. 

3. Aaron Judge

It would be too predictable to put Judge at number one. He’s the star of the team, of course. He has a cool last name that provides perfect baseball branding. On top of that, he’s attractive, and his athletic ability amplifies his attractiveness. He can hit and field and do all these great things, but Judge gets points off for being injured for this long. That’s why he’s sitting here in third place. 

2. Isiah Kiner-Falefa

I have an obsession with Isiah Kiner-Falefa, and it’s mostly because of his name. When I first heard the announcers say his last name, I thought they were saying his whole name as Connor Falefa or something along those lines. His name is so fun and versatile. You could have Kiner-Falefa rolling off the tongue all day, or call him IKF and make him sound even cooler. He’s a cutie with a .256 batting average contributing five home runs to a team in need of offense. Points for being from Hawaii. 

1. Kyle Higashioka

Kyle Higashioka is in the same boat as Kiner-Falefa with a sick name. You can’t tell me Higashioka isn’t fun to say. It’s spelled phonetically, and shortens into Higgy for a nickname. Higashioka surpasses the rest by holding the tough job of being catcher.  Higashioka was catcher for Domingo Germán’s perfect game, and he was a big part of the historic effort. Therefore, Higgy deserves his flowers. 

I know this list makes no sense to others, but I hope you at least enjoyed my unhinged reasons for liking some players better than others.

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